I’ve struggled over whether to bring this entry over quite yet. I had thought maybe I would work up to these uncomfortable questions, maybe waiting until I had time to write them with a few more years of thought behind them. But I’ve decided to bring this here, unedited, because of how much important conversation it brought from those who read it back then, and perhaps it will set the stage for when I’m ready to start this discussion again. In it’s original form, and because of the particular time when it was written, it included the following header:

Warning: Not politically correct, nor appropriately sensitive to the feelings of others and their private relationships, which are none of my business. If you are struggling with a relationship, you should skip my stumblings through your heartache. Polys are encouraged to comment, though, so I can learn something.

One concern I have with the modern approach to marriage is the “for as long as it works for us” nature that seems to have become so common. There is incredible power in the words “till death do us part.” They constitute a hard vow. Done properly, they make two people one. Separating them should be like giving up your own arm.

Being bound to someone is scary. You lose part of yourself, but you gain a broader base, a more stable base than you could ever have alone. Being able to completely rely on that relationship, even more than you can rely on yourself, gives incredible power in life. And that reliance comes more from choice than destiny. When we look for preordained soulmates I think we will be disappointed. What we have are chosen lifemates; not a relationship we discover, but one we build and defend.

Can someone be bound to more than one person? I don’t know. Given that so few of my friends have been together for 10 years, and polys are such a small minority of my friends, it is not yet fair to compare the success rates. I see no particular reason why it can’t work, but in today’s world it is so hard to find just two people who can make it. How rare indeed it must be to find three.